The Other Washington

As we head into the 250th anniversary of America, I find myself thinking about Washington. Not the city. Not the District of Columbia. Not the state that bears his name, but OG Washington a.k.a. Mr. Washington a.k.a. General Washington a.k.a. President Washington.

As a history buff and a History Channel watcher, I’ve been consuming vast amounts of movies and documentaries featuring the “Father of Our Country.”

Most people know part of the story. War hero. President. Etc. Most Americans don’t think about George Washington unless they’re buying mattresses at 70% discounts on his birthday. But there’s more to the story. Stuff you didn’t learn in history class.

The funny thing about Washington is that we’ve turned him into a granite statue who never laughed, never ate dessert, and spent his entire life pointing across rivers. The real George Washington was far more interesting. Take his teeth, for instance. Contrary to what generations of elementary school teachers told us, they weren’t made of wood. They were crafted from ivory, metal, animal teeth, and even human teeth. Imagine visiting your dentist and hearing, “Good news. We found a replacement… from a guy named Steve.”

He loved dogs and owned over 30 foxhounds with highly creative names like Sweetlips, Drunkard, and Taster. Washington also loved ice cream. I mean, he REALLY loved it. Records show he spent the equivalent of thousands of dollars on the frozen treat. This was nearly 200 years before the first Ben & Jerry’s.

Then there’s whiskey. After serving as the nation’s first president, Washington didn’t spend retirement yelling at kids to stay off his lawn. He built one of the largest whiskey distilleries in America. That’s the most American retirement plan ever conceived.

Here’s another fact most people don’t know. Washington was considered an excellent dancer. That’s right. The guy could apparently cut a rug better than most wedding guests today. If “Dancing with the Founding Fathers” had existed, everyone else would’ve been competing for second place.

And despite becoming the first President of the United States, he never lived in the White House. It wasn’t finished yet. Imagine spending eight years creating the job of President (something he never wanted, by the way) and then watching the next guy get the upgraded office space.

History has a habit of sanding off people’s personalities until they’re as exciting as a tax form. But George Washington wasn’t a statue. He was a real guy. He was ambitious, funny, fashionable, entrepreneurial, loved dogs and ice cream, made whiskey, and somehow kept an entire country from falling apart.

Turns out America’s first president wasn’t the boring guy we were all taught and told. He was a pretty cool cat. Without him, we wouldn’t be here…and there would be almost nothing to celebrate tomorrow.