The Polar Vortex

The “Big Freeze” hit the “Deep South” this week and folks were getting snow in places that don’t have snow plows. New Orleans, “The Big Easy” got eight inches of the powdery stuff at Louis Armstrong Airport. My home away from home – Charleston, SC – got three and a half inches. Some schools closed locally, after we got a dusting Tuesday night.

Let’s face it, Southerners can’t handle the snow. We can handle a hurricane, but we can’t handle a little bit of frozen water…unless it comes in a glass…with Bourbon. Case in point, two weeks ago the Virginia Capital City turned into a third world country after getting two inches of snow. Schools closed. Water plant flooded. Power Outages. Store shelves were empty. #RVAWATERCRISIS

I enjoy watching my buddy Andrew Frieden wax poetic about the weather on TV, but for the most part, I’m not really interested in the intricacies of meteorology. I find little interest in weather stats and seasonal trends and “run to the grocery store” hyperbole. I wouldn’t know the difference between a Polar Vortex and a Black Hole. So I Googled “Polar Vortex Definition” and learned that it is a large, long-lasting, low pressure system at the North Pole and that’s why the Deep South is getting weather typically reserved for the Great White North.

Southerners do have a better way of describing the weather: 

“It’s colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg.” (means is about 40 degrees)

“It’s so cold, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pocket.” (is just above freezing)

“It’s colder than a ditch-digger’s britches.” (definitely below freezing)

“It’s so cold, we got dogs stuck to fire hydrants all over town.” (it’s in the teens)

“It’s colder than a mother-in-law’s love.” (a better way of saying below zero)

I usually spend about 3-4 seconds looking at a weather forecast. I have had an app on my iPhone for years called UmbrellaToday. It looks at forecasts and sends you a message only when something is going to fall from the sky that day. The alert says “you should take your umbrella with you today.”

The good news is that the Polar Vortex should end by the weekend and next week looks like we’re getting back to mid-to-upper 50’s. And of course, Groundhog Day is coming up February 2nd and my favorite rodent forecaster Punxsutawney Phil will tell us the real scoop.