It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It

According to the “7-38-55 rule” developed by noted psychologist Albert Mehrabian, 55% of communication is considered visual; meaning that the majority of a message is conveyed through body language and facial expressions, while only 7% is conveyed through spoken words and 38% through tone of voice. In other words, as Dr. Mehrabian put it, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”

My conversational speech is different from my writing style. When I’m speaking with friends I’m not worried about run-on sentences (or non-sequiturs) or even punctuation. I use my hands when I talk. I might use certain facial expressions. For me, speaking in person is a much better way to communicate than by phone, text, or chat. Being able to see and listen to the other person means you have a better chance of truly understanding each other.

Your tone of voice is a major part of how people perceive what you are saying. Pitch, volume, pace, and emphasis are all ways we consciously and unconsciously convey a message. The result is usually delivering a message in a formal or informal way. You can be funny or enthusiastic or both. 

We have lots of ways to communicate these days. Technological advancements since the introduction of the telephone (web, chat, text, etc.) give us more options to communicate and close the physical distance between us. Yet I can’t help but wonder how these technologies actually lessen true communication.

For example, when I text my kids, we often misunderstand each other. I might type a word in all caps for emphasis. They think I’m yelling the word. Without tone of voice or being able to see each other’s body language, we are not communicating fully. It makes sense if, according to Mehrabian, we are only using 7% of our communication skills if we use text or chat. They’re just words.

Have you ever answered an email or message succinctly? “Thanks” or “ok” or “gotcha.” I know I’m guilty of this. I thought I was being efficient and succinct. The recipient thought I was being rude and abrupt. Apparently, brief messages can be seen as a sign that your message was received as passive-aggressive. Also, I recently learned never to say “thanks in advance,” since this appears on a do’s and don’t list when communicating with younger colleagues. I recently read one article where punctuation, yes punctuation, was seen as a sign that you’re old.

I have a love/hate relationship with Zoom. Yes, it’s great that we can have real-time video conferencing with colleagues, clients, and vendors. Yet, I always prefer to meet in person. I think it’s better and more effective. Zoom can work well as a substitute for in-person meetings, but not when folks turn off their screens. If you can’t see the other person, you’re not really communicating effectively. Remember the 55% figure in the first line of this article? More than half of communication is conveyed through body language and facial expressions. For the record, emojis are not facial expressions.