Trick or Retreat?

Having a Halloween birthday is epic. It has always been more of a blessing than a curse. Pros: Everyone gets dressed up, there’s plenty of candy, I always have a party to go to, and no one ever forgets the day you were born. Cons: Friends make the same lame joke every year, “You were born on Halloween? Oh yeah, that explains everything.”  

This Halloween birthday boy has always gone all out with costumes. I’m not bragging, but I’ve won many costume contests throughout the years. There’s usually a lot of thought, preparation, and planning involved. Sometimes not so much. On Wednesday, the team was reminiscing about our favorite costumes through the years. I had a hard time picking my favorite. 

Once upon a time in college, I dressed as Tammy Faye Baker, complete with overdone make-up and a red Laura Ashley dress, straight outta the 80s. Yes, I donned a Richard Simmons outfit. I also dressed as basketball legend Dennis Rodman and Chef from South Park in the mid-90s, which means I can never run for political office.  

More recently, I dressed in a grey suit with 50 Pantone swatches pinned to it. Yes, I was Fifty Shades of Grey. A few years ago, I dressed as Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi. In 2019, I was Colonel Sanders. In 2020, I bought a pirate outfit to wear, but the party was cancelled. It’s still sitting in the back of the Jeep.  

On Sunday, I will turn 54. There will be no birthday cake. No balloons. No costume parties. Because of COVID–19, some people are still scared to go out and others are just scared to come visit downtown, so I really doubt I’ll have any trick-or-treaters. Trick or treat? Nah, I think this year I’m gonna retreat. I’m 54. That means I’m old enough to remember Studio 54, but too old to get into the club. 

This year I’m going to watch Netflix in my PJs and eat all the candy I bought at CVS. Fun fact: The average American has gained 29 pounds during the pandemic. What’s your number? Anyone want to share?