A Beach(ed) Bum
Kennedy Heidel and Derek Fair here — real-life best coworkers and (integral) members of the Communications Team at Madison+Main. We’ve been put in charge of this edition of the Weekly Report since Dave Saunders didn’t feel like doing it.
Just kidding. He’s off captaining his vessel The Tug Life on the journey of a lifeti— a week. Although you may miss him – we sure do – he’ll be back, bruised, and (maybe) a better captain. So for now, you’re stuck with us and a melodramatic myth that’s sure to rock the world: a tale of one man, one boat, one deserted island, and lots of stress fueled largely by a lack of fitness. It’s Dave. We’re talking about Dave.
When Derek and I lost contact with Dave on Monday afternoon*, we started to wonder where exactly he could be. Stranded on an island seemed like the most obvious answer. Our sixth-grade knowledge about the Bermuda Triangle was FINALLY coming in handy.
*Disclaimer: Okay fine. He called us right back when he got service. But this is more fun, right? You’re on the edge of your seat?
What was he doing on this deserted, wild, and uninhabited mound of paradise? We couldn’t help but wonder. Here are some of our potential ideas:
—Recreating the Tom Hanks’ classic Cast Away.
—Starring in the reality TV show Survivor.
—Trying to make sushi.
Alright, the first seems logical. After all, he’s well-equipped on The Tug Life with 337 MRE’s, a computer, and an off-brand Wi-Fi router. After making friends with a random large rubber ducky, which he named Wilma, Dave plugged in his router, booted up his computer, and rerouted his Amazon package to coordinates 25.0000° N, 71.0000° W. FedEx is so last season…
The second option? Well, if anyone knows Dave, you know how horrible he is with puzzles. He can never seem to get them to fit. So if Dave was all of a sudden a member of the reality TV show Survivor, we think he’d be voted off the island pretty quick. Plus, the contestants usually only eat coconuts and rice — and Dave is trying to stay away from carbs. Although he would proudly rock the bandana and be able to talk himself into any alliance, Dave’s strategic mind is better suited for brands and advertising campaigns, not finding hidden immunity idols in trees. Have you ever seen the man on an Easter egg hunt? It’s a disgrace. To both Easter, eggs, and hunting.
The third time’s the charm. Well, maybe. Dave is all about trying new things — new culinary dishes included. So maybe Dave is out there skinning a fish, drying out seaweed, and toasting sesame seeds under a magnifying glass. Or at least trying to. Although the only fish he knows how to catch are Nemo-sized.
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— David Lee Roth