The Good News Is…Dave’s On Vacation
Dave is currently in Nags Head, North Carolina soaking up the sun’s rays like an Egyptian Lizard in a beach-front rental and making the most of the whole “working from home” situation. And honestly, I can’t blame him. The guy is smart. Aside from Communications Director Kent Brockwell (who is also a smart guy in OBX), last time a Madison+Main-iac got a glimpse of our fearless, goatee-growin’ leader on Zoom, he set a social distancing record — migrating 934,560 feet away from us. #Respect
If I recall correctly, the previous time he left me (Derek Fair) in charge of the Weekly Report, he was administering swift and punishing justice from the bowels of the John Marshall Court Building. I tried to lend a helping hand by sharing my Top 10 Four-Letter Phrases That Will Get You Out of Jury Duty but luckily, he was let loose before a lie left his lips.
This week, I created another list — but for a whole different dilemma.
Although most of Virginia has been under Phase One restrictions since May 15, Richmond, NoVA, and Accomack County (wherever that is) got last-minute invites to the party, like the redheaded stepbrother who would get drunk off one-thirteenth of a “light” beer and occasionally pass out on your back porch. But since we had no real plans, we all decided to tag along.
As we mask up and head to barbershops, outdoor dining patios, and beautiful beaches, a few folks will understandably remain on edge. And with that being said, we must choose our words wisely so no one abruptly freaks out mid-meal — or even worse — mid-haircut.
As a helpful guide while you’re out and about, here are the Top 10 Four-Word Phrases Not to Say During Phase One:
10. “Anybody else feel HOT?”
9. “I shouldn’t be out.”
8. “It’s just my allergies.”
7. “Do you sell bat?”
6. “My throat hurts. Bad.”
5. “Wuhan’s my second home.”
4. “Anything with the #19.”
3. “You wanna make out?”
2. “I’ve had worse viruses.”
And the number one four-word phrase that should not be said during Phase One…
1. “What’s with the masks?”
“99 problems but a beach ain’t one.”
— Shawn Carter (American Poet)