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BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY! | WEEKLY REPORT FOR MARCH 20, 2020

Beam Me Up, Scotty!

 

 

 

Welcome to Friday folks. I feel like last Friday was light-years away. Hope you’re healthy. We are at Madison+Main, and thankful for it. Knowing that many of you will be getting the Weekly Report as you work from home this week, I thought I’d let you know the majority of our team is isolating and we feel your pain. BUT, we’re still working hard for our clients — except we’ve also had the added pressure of having additional co-workers this week — namely children and household pets.

 

Whatever you do, don’t panic. Keep your chin up, love a little more and laugh a lot more. It’s good for the soul…..and listen to the Captain.

 

 

 

 

 

Captains Log, Stardate 316.2020

 

 

It’s official. The United Federation of Planets has declared an emergency. Word of the virus is spreading around the galaxy much faster than the virus itself. Gossip is multiplying faster than Tribbles. Bones and Yeoman Rand are cleaning the ship from top-to-bottom. By the year 2265 I thought we would at least have a Roomba. Sulu set course for Walmart in the Powhatan quadrant. We hear the inhabitants of that barren and isolated land have ample supplies of dry goods and toilet paper. Alas, it may be…just…a rumor.

 

 

 

 

 

Captains Log, Stardate 317.2020

 

 

Isolation is setting in. Morale is slipping among the crew. No one has the virus, but we’ve run out of frozen pizza and ramen, and now we’ve reduced to eating an old jar of pickled beets and making onion soup from that powder we bought for dip mix in 2017. Toilet paper supply is ample and we’re still fighting the “cling-ons.”

 

 

 

 

 

Captains Log, Stardate 318.2020

 

 

Morale among the crew has improved, but Bones and Spock are arguing over the quarantine. Spock says it’s “illogical.” Supplies are holding up. Neelix the cook turned the beets into homemade Plomeek Soup last night. Spock was the only one who ate it. I dropped by Lieutenant Uhura’s room last night. She said she was “social distancing” and slammed the door.

 

 

 

 

 

Captains Log, Stardate 319.2020

 

 

The stress of isolation is starting to show. Lieutenant Sulu keeps coming back to Captain’s quarters after hours and offers me massages. “Oh my!” President Khan was on for his Virus Task Force briefing. He says everything is going, “Tremendously well. Really, really we’re doing a fantastic job.” Meanwhile, Scotty is experimenting with potable water and shelf-stable bread and trying to distill it into cheap Scotch. Filtering the final product with surplus Kroger brand bathroom tissue. Sampling tonight.

 

 

 

 

Captains Log, Stardate 320.2020

 

Low energy and low morale. Slept late. Walked to the bridge in my PJs. Ran out of razors already, so I decided to grow a beard. High carb, low-protein diet is taking its toll on the crew. Zero-gravity vacuum toilets weren’t designed for this kind of abuse. They suck. Thank God we have lots of Charmin to squeeze. Board games have turned into bored games. When I heard the crew calling “Jenga! Jenga! Jenga!” I thought we were under attack.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Programming Note:

 

The events we normally post in the Weekly Report have been canceled. #Sorry

 

 

“Our species can only survive if we have obstacles to overcome. You remove those obstacles. Without them to strengthen us, we will weaken and die.”

— Captain James T. Kirk