The Zipper Method

We got your attention, right? The Constant Contact analytics on our Weekly Report show that we have 21% average open rates. That means many fans of the Weekly Report open our email each week and some of you actually read it. I’d like to thank all 7,923 of you from the bottom of my heart. Next week I will see if putting the word zipper in the email title helped improve my numbers.

Since so many people read this, I figured it was important to drop some knowledge bombs on you this week. I want to tell you about something I learned recently in the hopes that we can accomplish great and noble things together. By the end of this article, together we can get traffic moving faster around the Richmond region and make RVA great again. We can reduce incidents of road rage. We can also end unnecessary back-ups on I-95, I-64, Powhite Parkway, 288, and the infamous, all-day-every-day, mind-bending back-up on the Shockoe Valley Bridge. (For the record, I’m not entirely sure where the Shockoe Valley Bridge is, but every single traffic reporter on every single station mentions that it’s backed up every single morning.) Are you ready to reduce traffic back-ups and put an end to road rage with one easy-to-learn technique?

It’s called the Zipper Method (or late merge) and I really need you to pay attention. Although this is publicly available data and almost every state in the Union has tried and failed to advertise this to the driving masses, I am apparently the only driver in all of our beloved Commonwealth who knows this. When two lanes of traffic are merging, drivers need to use the entire roadway to the point of merging, this is called a late merge or the zipper method. Cars merge together, one after the other, like a zipper being pulled together. Traffic engineers, people who are far smarter than you and me, designed our roadways to accommodate drivers who use the zipper method. Early mergers (people who stop short in a long merge lane haphazardly flipping their blinkers while blocking the rest of us) cause delays and traffic accidents.

Early mergers have a tendency to “go postal” when passed by a late merger. I merged from 195 North onto the I-64 West yesterday and a lady in a turd-brown Subaru almost killed me. She honked. She flashed her lights. She lunged her beat-up rust bucket at my beautiful back bumper. I yelled out the window, “Hey lady, I’m using the zipper method.” She responded with a one-finger salute. She’d slowly climbed into the left lane somewhere near The Diamond and patiently waited in crawling traffic for a mile. I passed her in the right lane and merged into the on-ramp at the last possible second. She called me a name I can’t repeat here in the Weekly Report, but that’s actually how the system is supposed to work. If you don’t want to take my word for it, then Google it. #sheeshlady

Monday, August 12 – Birth Day

Tuesday, August 13 – What A Crock

Wednesday, August 14 – What does H.R. stand for, anyway?

I dropped by Capital Ale House in Innsbrook to grab a working lunch with H.R. guru and good friend Larry Elinskas, owner of Elin Associates, a boutique human resources consulting firm here in RVA. Larry is the kind of guy you can talk to and instantly feel better. I highly recommend Larry’s company, so if you’re still hiring people and not robots, check out Elin.

Thursday, August 15 – Making News

Friday, August 16 – Music City Madness

As I mentioned earlier, my beloved first born and Madison+Main’s rock star social media specialist Hattie Saunders turned 21 this week. While I’m very happy for her, I am sad that I’m losing my favorite designated driver. To celebrate my little JMU music major’s big birthday, we flew out this morning to Nashville “Music City” Tennessee. I’m sure I’ll have lots of drunken selfies to share with you next week. For dinner tonight, my Hattie B. is taking me to Hattie B.’s, the famous Nashville hot chicken place.

A Few of Our Favorite Events

2019 Bourbon and Beer Festival

Virginia Craft Spirits Roadshow

The tastiest roadshow in Virginia is coming to A. Smith Bowman Distillery! Present by the Virginia Distillers Association and A. Smith Bowman Distillery, the Virginia Craft Spirits Roadshow provides a wonderful opportunity for spirit lovers to meet Virginia distillers firsthand and sample artisan spirits as well as craft cocktails from multiple Virginia distilleries under one roof. Guests can save by purchasing advanced tickets.

Magnificient Midlothian Food Festival

Eat, Drink and Be Magnificent! It’s the 31st Annual Magnificent Midlothian Food Festival – Presented by Wegmans. Live Entertainment with performances by South of James and The Party Fins! Live music all day! Enjoy small plates from area restaurants, wine, beer (including Craft Beer), mixed drinks, complimentary soft drinks, and more. Proceeds benefit local charities. Get your tickets today!

Got an upcoming event you want to share? Can we come? Send us the deets!

“Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.”

— George Carlin