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THE TOILET PAPER CONSPIRACY | WEEKLY REPORT FOR APRIL 5, 2019

The Toilet Paper Conspiracy

 

Dave is out this week.

 

My name is Derek Fair and I got stuck with writing the Weekly Report while he unwinds on his super secret vacation. Spoiler alert to all of the loyal Weekly Report readers playing Where in the world is Dave? — he’s in St. Croix. As you may recall, you get absolutely nothing if you correctly answered the trip trivia but thank you for participating. Your trophy is in the mail.

 

It’s been a lonely week at the office and I can truly say you never know what you have until it’s gone. Take toilet paper for instance.

 

This week, Director of Account Services Kaitlin Thomas experienced one of the most frightening things ever. An empty toilet paper roll. As she reached into the bathroom cabinet to grab a new roll of Angel Soft, she realized that it was Angel Soft-er than her bowel towel at home. Not only that, but the contemporary flower art had a higher resolution. If there’s one thing the Madison+Main-iacs can agree on, it’s that cheap toilet paper is the absolute worst.

 

We had so many questions. Why did the quality differ if it’s the same brand? Does Angel Soft send their most desired product to businesses? Who’s job is it to design TP art? Are there two different factories that produce the tissue — one on the East Coast and another on the West? The Girl Scouts do it, so why can’t Angel Soft? We have Samoas and the western United States has Caramel deLites.

 

Needless to say, we’d love to get down to the bottom of the toilet paper conspiracy but we’re a little busy this week going above and beyond for our clients. If you have time to help, send us your wild research and let’s figure this out together!

 

Monday, April 1 – Shorely Prepared

 

Monday was April Fools’ Day, but more importantly it marked one month until the company cruise to the Bahamas. With the itinerary and cabin info complete, the Madison+Main-iacs began diving deeper into the list of “what to pack.” We compiled a quality list, but the most impressive idea of them all was door decorations. As you all know from our Media Mixers, we love to drink. And with every cabin door looking identically boring, we’ll easily be able to drunkenly spot our room from down the hall. #Genius

 

What else should we bring on board? Let us know!

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Tuesday, April 2 – Peanut Butter, Jelly Time!

 

 

 

Tuesday was National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. Yes, we immediately sung the song, too. Although we didn’t scarf down any sandwiches, we did take to our Facebook page to figure out which jelly peanut butter can’t live without. 51% voted strawberry and 49% chose grape. I still don’t know how I feel about this.

 

Who’s jelly? Account Executive Haleigh Lader. Later in the evening we updated our March Madness rankings and she is still “definitely last.” There is always next year, though. Currently, Kaitlin is in the lead, Dave is trailing behind in 2nd place, and eight of us are maxed out (because who had Texas Tech going to the Final Four?) Check back next week for new updates!

 

 

Wednesday, April 3 – Spring Cleaning Was a Hit

 

 

Art Director Carissa Ghaffari and Business Manager Brandy Seay were slamming on the wall bright and early on Wednesday morning. Luckily, our neighbors love us and put up with our craziness.

In the spring cleaning spirit, they teamed up to hang a shelf for all of Dave’s baseball memorabilia, including a signed ball from 10x All Star Randy “The Big Unit” Johnson. I’m no baseball expert, but they knocked it out of the park.

 

Thursday, April 4 – Scale Back on the Fish Food

 

 

In addition to Dave being on vacation, so is Communications Manager Kent Brockwell, Creative Director Art Webb, and Office Manager Katie Rossberg. Being short staffed, the Madison+Main-iacs have been stepping up to take on additional roles this week.

 

Carissa kindly accepted the role of “snack organizer.” Business Manager Brandy handled all the moolah and deposits. And Account ExecutiveAllison Throckmorton stepped into arguably the most important role — feeding the fish. Every morning she sprinkled an intense amount of food in the tank, whispered sweet nothings to No Name #3, Landy, Bart, and Trent, and let them spend time with their late, great, framed friend Je-sus. #RIP

 

 

Friday, April 5 – Music to Our Ears

 

Earlier today, our company piano was delivered. Long story short, Account Manager Leanne Ferry will be on American Idol next season. That show still comes on, right?

 

 

 

Her flawless rendition of “Lean On Me” floored us all. Seriously, next time you stop by, hear it for yourself. Apparently her elementary school recital stuck with her for the past twenty years. Talk about having a good memory. I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday. #KeyToSuccess

 

A Few of Our Favorite Events

 

VHHA Foundation’s 2019 Annual Meeting: Health + : Exploring the Social Influencers of Health

Williamsburg Lodge | Williamsburg, VA

April 10-12, 2019

 

VHHA Foundation invites health care providers and leaders in Virginia to join them for their 2019 VHHA Annual Meeting! They’ll examine the role hospitals and health care institutions play in educating patients on how the context of their lives impacts their physical health, and consider how to collaborate on addressing many of the social influencers negatively impacting the health of Virginians. To receive 15% off the Leadership Institute, Awards Luncheon or the ACHE Luncheon, enter the promo code15VHHA! View the entire agenda and be sure to register today to save yourself a seat!

 

Lucy Corr’s Lucy Living Lecture Series: Stay Upbeat When Downsizing

Lucy Corr | Chesterfield, VA

April 16, 2019

Dani Washington is a senior moving specialist. There are no aspects that her specially-trained team can’t handle. Whether it’s downsizing, organizing, packing, auctions, space design, or moving into a new residence — she has all the insight to help make your next move a snap. Call Maria Bond (804-748-1511) to reserve your seat today!

 

Got an upcoming event you want to share? Can we come? Send us the deets!

 

 

“Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don’t have it.”

— Richard Jeni